Defense Mechanisms in Secure Attachment: What Healthy Defenses Look Like

When most of us think about defense mechanisms, we imagine walls, avoidance, or unhealthy ways of shutting people out. And for individuals with anxious or insecure attachment patterns, defenses often feel like the enemy — keeping us stuck in cycles of fear, overthinking, and relationship conflict.

But not all defenses are harmful. In fact, securely attached individuals also use defense mechanisms. The difference? Secure defenses protect without disconnecting. They keep us grounded, resilient, and connected to both ourselves and others.

If you’ve struggled with anxious attachment and are on the journey toward healing, understanding what healthy defenses look like can help you move from fear to freedom in your relationships.

Why Defense Mechanisms Aren’t the Enemy

In psychotherapy — including Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy (ISTDP) — defenses are seen as automatic ways our nervous system protects us from emotional overwhelm. They’re not “bad” in themselves. The key is whether they block growth or support it.

• Unhealthy defenses (like avoidance, dissociation, or intellectualization) disconnect us from our authentic feelings and relationships.

  
  

• Healthy defenses (like humor, anticipation, or emotional regulation) allow us to face life’s stressors while staying connected to ourselves and others.

  
  

Secure attachment is not about having no defenses. It’s about having flexible, adaptive defenses that work with our emotions instead of against them.

Examples of Healthy Defenses in Secure Attachment

1. Humor: Lightening Without Dismissing

Secure individuals often use humor to ease tension without belittling their own or others’ feelings. Humor creates connection, reduces anxiety, and shows perspective — unlike sarcasm or deflection, which push people away.

Example: Instead of panicking about a partner being late, someone securely attached might laugh gently about their own tendency to worry — “There’s my brain writing disaster stories again.”

2. Preparation: Anticipation Without Catastrophizing

Secure defenses allow people to prepare for challenges realistically without spiraling into fear. Anticipation helps with planning while staying calm.

Example: Before a difficult conversation, a secure person might rehearse what they want to say and how they want to stay grounded — rather than obsessing over rejection or abandonment.

3. Emotional Regulation: Riding the Waves

Secure attachment is not about never feeling anxious — it’s about being able to soothe yourself and stay connected through it. Emotional regulation is a defense that creates space to breathe and choose responses instead of reacting impulsively.

Example: Pausing to breathe before sending a text instead of firing off a string of anxious messages.

4. Sublimation: Channeling Energy Creatively

Instead of acting out emotions destructively, securely attached people often channel intense feelings into constructive outlets — art, writing, movement, or meaningful work.

Example: Turning relationship stress into journaling, painting, or exercise — creating growth rather than conflict.

5. Altruism: Giving Without Losing Yourself

Secure attachment involves generosity that comes from abundance, not fear. Altruism as a defense means finding meaning in caring for others without collapsing boundaries.

Example: Supporting a partner during a hard time while still asking for your own needs to be met.

From Anxious Defenses to Secure Defenses

If you live with anxious attachment, your defenses may lean toward:

• Clinging to avoid abandonment.

• Overanalyzing to prevent rejection.

• Self-blame or minimization to keep the peace.

  
  

Shifting toward secure defenses doesn’t mean eliminating fear overnight. It means practicing new, healthier ways to protect yourself while staying open to love.

Therapies like ISTDP, along with mindfulness, somatic practices, and compassionate relationships, can help you:

• Recognize when your defenses are working against you.

• Strengthen adaptive defenses that protect and connect.

• Move toward secure attachment — where relationships feel safe, balanced, and nourishing.

  
  

Reflection Prompt

• Which defense do you notice most in yourself — humor, anticipation, regulation, sublimation, or altruism?

• When have you used that defense in a way that kept you connected instead of pushing others away?

• What small step could you take today to strengthen that healthy defense?

  
  

Final Thoughts

Defense mechanisms are part of being human. The goal isn’t to get rid of them, but to use them wisely. Secure attachment shows us that defenses can protect without isolating, soothe without silencing, and help us move through life with resilience and openness.

If you’ve struggled with anxious attachment patterns and long to feel more secure in relationships, remember this: your defenses don’t have to hold you back. With awareness, practice, and support, they can become stepping stones toward a more grounded, connected, and joyful way of relating.

Call-to-Action

If you’re interested in learning more about healing attachment and building emotional resilience, explore:

• My guide on Defense Mechanisms in Anxious-Disorganized Attachment

• My article on Anxious-Avoidant Patterns in ISTDP

• Or connect with me directly to begin your journey toward secure attachment.

  

  Couple holding hands as a symbol of secure attachment and emotional safety in relationships.